Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
